A Journey into Abstract Art

The Struggle of Being an Illustrator

My relationship with illustration has always been tricky.

I mainly studied illustration because I didn't really know the difference between it and fine art, but illustration seemed like the more practical option.

If I’m being honest being an illustrator wasn’t fun for me. Don’t get me wrong - I love illustration and I love helping others find their illustrative voice, but somewhere along my journey I realised that this way of working and thinking didn’t fit with how I create.

For instance, if I had a brief to draw a kitchen scene of a child eating breakfast, then I’d need to research what kitchens and children eating breakfast typically look like. Next I’d have to translate that information into my own style. Then, there’s a lot of back-and-forth with art directors. By the end of the process, instead of feeling invigorated, I’d simply feel tired.

By the end of 2021 I was incredibly low about my way forward. I’m sure the pandemic and lockdown were a portion of my mood, but I was ready to quit everything and do something else - something easier.

But before going down that route I had one thought - I’ll apply for a Developing Your Creative Practice grant - if I get it, I’ll continue - if I don’t, I’ll pack it in and find something else to do.

I was exhausted from trying so hard on my own for so long.

Applying for the Developing Your Creative Practice Grant

I’d researched applying for a grant for several years, so I knew it was something I wanted to do.

Now seemed like the right time. I knew I needed to leave illustration behind to do something that was more fulfilling and sustainable for me as an artist in the long run.

I worked incredibly hard to write the grant. Not including all the previous years I’d researched grant writing, I spent at least a solid month writing and rewriting, went to several online webinars and paid to receive mentoring and coaching to sort out my thoughts and my goals.

So when I found out in November 2021 that I’d received the grant, I cried.

I cried in relief, but also with joy - someone out there believed enough in me to give me this money.

I felt hugely honoured.

I also felt hugely responsible to do right by the grant and really embrace this opportunity to pivot.

The Pressure to Make Money vs. Pursuing Artistic Goals

But pivoting isn’t easy. Especially as prices started to sky-rocket during 2022.

It was difficult to hold my nerve.

For every wrong path I went down I would panic and apply for an illustration job that I knew would make me money, but not necessarily bring me forward as an artist.

It was a case of three steps forward and two steps back.

But at least I was creeping ever so slowly forward.

In private I’d explored painting abstractly and moved forward over the year, but in public I was still mainly showing illustrative paintings of animals, birds or flowers.

I was still questioning why I was going abstract. I thought I was just being the crazy artist lady trope that we so often see negatively portrayed in movies and on TV.

By the end of the year, I knew I’d learned a lot, but I was also entirely frustrated with myself for not having the confidence to show any abstract work.

Overcoming Frustration and Moving Forward

I’ve always said that frustration is an important part of the creative cycle. It’s what spurs me past all the anxiety, the what-ifs, and forces me to take action.

On January 1st 2023 I wrote, “I NEED to trust myself.”

But where to begin?

To create abstract art is to stare at the void and create something out of it. Or at least that’s how I still thought of it at the time.

Luckily soon after writing about trusting myself, I came across a video from Jenny Nelson about her studio practice, and something clicked. She spoke about her starting point using negative space as a way in to her abstract paintings.

I started studying her and other abstract artists’ processes, and I realised that I wanted to focus on energy, movement, and the process of creating.

Scribbles became my starting point, and I worked on multiple pieces at a time to keep the momentum going. For the first time ever I was creating work that could be considered a collection.

I could understand what I wanted to explore and how to go about doing it.

I felt all the secret experimentation and exploration of the previous year consolidating.

So that simple act of watching that one video changed everything for me.

I saw a much bigger picture of myself as an artist, how I could relate to and talk about abstract art, and my place within a much bigger dialogue.

Abstract Thoughts

By the end of January I wrote in my studio notes:

“Abstract does feel expansive for my brain. I get to have thoughts but keep them undefined.

I like this. I feel that then there are connections being made.

But there’s still something about not defining or refining it too much.

Leaving it so the viewer can be invited in to have their own thoughts.

Wander around and feel something without me dictating to them what they should think or feel.

It becomes an individual experience. Unique.

There is connection.

But also independence.”

I was also starting to share my abstract work publicly.

And guess what?

Nobody died. The world didn’t stop turning. The sun still came up.

Some people liked it. Some people probably didn’t. I needn’t have worried so much about how people would react.

Of all of this the biggest change was that by mid Feb I started to notice that when I walked into my studio I didn’t feel uncertain towards my work.

I just felt excited.

That super negative voice that I heard when painting an animal or a bird - just doesn’t exist when I work abstractly.

It doesn’t mean I’m not critical - I am - I’m always looking for a way forward, but it does mean I’m not negative.

And even for the piles of stuff that I don’t think work - they didn’t bother me.

Again critical, but not negative. There’s a huge difference.

At the end of each day I no longer feel drained or confused.

I feel invigorated. I feel alive.

The Future: Excitement and Inspiration in the Studio

Now, I see potential in everything around me.

Painting feels like having a conversation with a friend, and it feels amazing.

So, if you're avoiding a particular art style because you think it's not for you, or you’re embarrassed to show it, I say go for it!

You never know what you're capable of until you try.

Also - check out Jenny Nelson’s Video “Learning to See”

TLDR:

• I studied illustration because I didn't know the difference between it and fine art, but illustration didn't fit with how I created.

• I took the opportunity to apply for a grant to leave illustration behind and do something more fulfilling and sustainable for me as an artist in the long run.

• I worked hard to write the grant and received it, which gave me a sense of relief, joy, and responsibility to do right by it.

• I experienced frustration and self-doubt as I explored abstract art and questioned my decision to go that route.

• I watched a video about Jenny Nelson's studio practice, which clicked with me and inspired me to focus on energy, movement, and the process of creating in my own abstract paintings.

• I started to share my abstract work publicly and discovered that the world didn't stop turning and that I needn't have worried so much about how people would react.

• I no longer feel uncertain when I walk into my studio, but instead feel excited and invigorated.

• I see potential in everything around me and feel like painting is having a conversation with a friend.

• I encourage others to embrace their own creative journeys and not be afraid to try new things.